A Well-Intentioned Day

There are days when pain just gets the better of me. The medication makes me kind of droopy, and the continued pain makes it kind of hard to concentrate. Moving makes sharp pains go up my node, of all places. It’s a nightmare, I tell you. So I watch way too much TV. Today I got sucked into Star Wars II and III. I don’t know if anyone has seen Star Wars II, but it is actually an early version of Twilight. They even have the love interests sitting in a meadow of lavender and arguing about how they can’t be together and it’s tearing them apart. Problem is, I think Twilight might be better, and that’s a sentence I never thought I’d say- ever. Twilight is my favorite Worst Movie I Can Get Through Without Being Violently Ill. The Star Wars I-IIIs just made me sad- I’m a geek at heart and, well, I’m sure it made sense to Mr. Lucas at the time.

I did get some things done, and I don’t know if I should feel good about myself for doing a load of laundry and a load of dishes and unplugging everything after getting last month’s electric bill ($200!!!) or shitty because anybody does that and why can’t I? Obviously the question still plagues me after all these years because I don’t understand why- whenever my parents were sick, or when my sisters are sick, they soldier on and I can’t- I know it and they know it. It’s a great shortcoming of mine, and I don’t know why I can’t do it. But I try and fail, so I no longer want to try, knowing the outcome. On the other hand, what choice have any of us but to keep trying?

I am trying “Ticket to Work” again, but when you haven’t worked in 5 years and you have no references, finding a job can be hard. I used to be a clinical social worker and I’m guessing no one is going to hire me for that- so what do they hire me for? I know I’m rambling, but that’s the other thing that happens when you end up sitting o sitting up in bed in pain- a little bit of boredom. My mind races with all the things I should be doing, could be doing. I start doing some of it and I can’t see. Or I think about doing it and I think about the thousand of other things I should be doing (if I were out of bed) and I don’t get to anything.

And to add insult to injury, the Eagles lost in the final three seconds. THE FINAL THREE SECONDS!?!


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